We live in a world where judging others comes naturally. Think about it—how often do we label situations or people without a second thought?
When things go according to plan, we’re on top of the world. But what happens when reality doesn’t match our expectations? Suddenly, we’re drowning in a sea of emotions – disappointment, sadness, anger.
We’ve become too dependent on these judgments. They shape our experiences and reactions more than we realize.
The Stoics believed we’re responsible for the judgments we make. It’s not the events themselves that cause our suffering, but our interpretation of them.
When we free ourselves from the habit of judging everything, we take the first step towards freeing ourselves from the emotional turmoil that follows.
“It is not things that trouble us, but our judgements about things.”
― Epictetus
In this article…
Things You Can Control and Things You Can’t
Understanding what we can and can’t control is at the heart of Stoic philosophy. It’s a simple idea, but it can change how we see the world.
We can control our thoughts, actions, and reactions. These are the things we should focus on. But what about death, illness, and how others see us? Well, we can’t ignore them, but we can learn to accept them.
Trying hard to change things that don’t depend on us is a source of moral suffering.
When we judge situations or have expectations, we’re often focusing on things we can’t control. It’s like you’re trying to control the weather; no matter how much you wish for sunshine or try to stop the rain – it just doesn’t work.
Worse, we end up twisting reality to fit our view, which only leads to unhappiness and frustration.
Imagine you’ve put too much into a project and it fails. You feel disappointed, sad, maybe even empty. But is the project to blame for these feelings?
The truth is, that’s your interpretation of what happened. You’re the one responsible for how you see things and how they affect you.
If you can’t change the weather, why try to control the nature of other things beyond your control? We live in a volatile, ever-changing world, where everything is subject to the test of time.
Placing our hopes on things remaining the same or turning out a certain way means condemning ourselves to disappointment and frustration.
Now, think about playing a game. When you lose, it’s not the end of the world, right? That’s because when we play, we know losing is a possibility. We expect it might happen.
So, when our expectations are low, our emotional reactions tend to be low too. And we are the only ones responsible for our expectations, our emotions, and the effects they have on our well-being.
To Want Things to Fit Your Judgment is to Suffer
We often want the world to fit our expectations, but nature doesn’t work that way. Nature was here long before us. It’s wild, complex, and full of surprises. So why do we keep trying to make it bend to our will?
When we judge, we’re really just projecting our imagination or fantasies onto reality. We expect people to follow the paths we’ve mapped out for them in our minds. We wait for things to go as planned. But the Stoics had a word for this: illusion.
For example, imagine that a friend you trusted betrays you. This would surely leave you with a deep wound that’s hard to heal. But then again, who’s really at fault?
Putting blind trust in someone is like ignoring human nature. People aren’t perfect – we all make mistakes, we all have flaws. And that’s okay because we also have good qualities.
Expecting someone to be flawless is like trying to change their nature, something they didn’t even choose for themselves.
So, what’s the solution? Instead of trying to make the world fit our judgments, we need to adapt to the nature of things. It’s about accepting reality as it is, not as we wish it to be.
The Judgment of Others Reflects Your Own
We’ve all been there – that awkward moment when we feel like all eyes are on us, judging our every move. It’s that pit in your stomach when you think you might look ridiculous in front of others.
As social creatures, it’s natural to care about how we appear to those around us.
But the real problem isn’t what others think of us. It’s assuming what they’re thinking. When we worry about others’ opinions, we’re often just projecting our own judgments onto them.
We tell ourselves, “They must think I’m stupid” or “They’re probably saying bad things about me.” But wait – aren’t we the ones thinking these thoughts? We’re essentially trying to read minds, and not very accurately at that.
We’re focusing on something we can’t control: other people’s thoughts and judgments. But in doing so, we’re actually trapped by our own judgments.
So, it’s not the fact that others are looking at us that makes us uncomfortable. It’s our own judgment of ourselves and others that’s causing the discomfort.
It’s our own judgment that often poisons our experiences and causes unnecessary suffering.
Once again, we should only worry about things that concern us—things we can control. Everything outside our control should be left to nature, which is best placed to decide what’s right.
The Alternative: Embracing No Judgment
Imagine walking through life without the weight of constant judgment. How much lighter would you feel? But what’s the alternative? How to live without judgment?
The Stoics tell us we should accept whatever happens to us calmly, whether it seems good or bad.
This isn’t about running away from our problems or giving up. It’s quite the opposite. By accepting our limitations, we can focus more on what we can actually do. It’s like clearing the fog from a window – suddenly, we can see things more clearly, and our actions become based on reality rather than fantasy.
When we constantly judge, we live in a distorted reality. Emotions easily carry us away as we try to adapt the world to our expectations, instead of seeing it as it is.
So what is this no-judgment alternative? It means focusing on the things we can control, without getting stuck in regrets about the past or worries about the future.
It’s about being present in the moment, fully committed to what we’re doing, without expectations or judgments clouding our view.
This approach isn’t always easy, but it can lead us towards wisdom and inner peace. It frees us from the grip of emotions and allows us to better cherish the present moment.
It’s about accepting the world as it is, rather than as we think it should be. And in doing so, we might just find that we’re more at peace with ourselves and the world around us.
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